The Desperate Kingdom of Love

M-- takes me for granted. He thinks that he can do and say anything he wants without fear of me taking a stand or officially breaking it off with him. He's been right so far. I've let the cruel words, the blow-offs, the insensitive comments all go unpunished. I've spent over a three years in a relationship that makes me feel horribly insignificant because I didn't want to give up on what I thought was love. It's become painfully clear to me though, that my feelings are much stronger than his. I don't know when it happened, but I exist for him now. I breathe and bleed him. It's as if I've given over my soul to someone who never wanted any more than my body. The giving was involuntary on my part. He just gradually encompassed more and more of me until I became something like his child; a whiny little thing tugging at his shirt hem and begging to be held. He knows that without him I'm a quivering mass of identity-less fear, that I'll probably never leave him because I can't. I can be taken but I can't leave, and that frustrates me.

I've come to realize that I have never existed outside of others, that without someone to attach myself to I'm nearly immobilized. I've tried to leave M-- so many times, but the panic of being alone was so great I could barely breathe. I can't imagine a life with no familiar voice to come home to, no arms to hold me, no one to correct me when I'm wrong or calm me when I'm anguished; no one to take care of me. But he seems very reluctant to do these things anyway. His voice, though familiar, is usually laced with boredom or contempt. His arms hold me down more often than close, and my feelings are somewhat of an inconvenience to him. They generally go unnoticed, or are dissmissed angrily. I know that as long as I put up with all of this I'm sending the message that things don't have to change. But I'm afraid that if I distance myself from him, if I start spouting ultimatums he'll simply cut his losses and walk away unaffected. (God, how I wish I could simply affect him!) I know that most people would say that I am better off alone. I can't really fathom "alone". It sounds so empty and all encompassing. So how do I face that emptiness? How do I tear myself away from someone whom I've made my entire world? How do I learn to live for myself, to stop centering my life around people who have no desire to be so revered?