Kill My Time

"They say that time will kill the pain, but I say that pain is gonna kill my time." - Ben Harper

I tried to talk to my boyfriend, M-- last night. I told him I didn't want him in my life anymore, but that isn't really what I meant. I had just hoped that it would shock him into at least trying to change. But unfortunately, no such luck, and now I really do think that not having him in my life is probably the best thing. Talking to him is like shouting at a wall. All I wanted was for him to hear, and he couldn't even give me that. He kept interrupting me every few seconds to stress that he had never, ever done me wrong, and that I was selfish and insensitive to push him away like that. But I never pushed. What he saw as selfishness was really just my one last desperate attempt at getting him to hear me; and had he bothered to take the focus off himself for just one second he would have seen that. But he was so busy tring to defend himself that he never even heard what I was saying. I wasn't attacking him; I wasn't saying I didn't love him; I was just telling him how I felt. But all he heard was "You're not right for me." because, deep down, I think he knows he isn't.

Regardless of that I do still love him, and I would have liked to know that he cared enough about me to at least acknowledge how I feel. But he had (as always) to make it seem like there was something wrong with me, with how I react to the things he says, with everything I feel, and think, and say. He had to convince himself I was crazy so that this didn't have to be his fault. He dismisses everything with a condescending tone and frantic reminder that on enter forgotten date here, he reluctantly bought me enter irrelevant material item here, so he couldn't possibly be as bad as I've argued, right? I'm simply ungrateful. Why do guys find it acceptable to substitute things for emotional awareness and support? I didn't need him to fall down on his knees and beg forgiveness for everything he had ever done wrong; I didn't need need him to recall every specific thing he had ever done to hurt me. That's all in the past. Regardless of whether he thought my feelings were warranted I was telling him I hurt, and all I wanted was for him to acknowledge that. To say that he had never meant to make me feel this way, and that he would try harder to connect and listen to me while he could. I would have liked to know that my thoughts and feelings meant enough to him that he could have put his own shit aside for just those few seconds and shown that he really did care for me. Just one little gesture.

I'm so alone! I can honestly say that I have never felt loved in my entire life, and that's an emptiness worse than anything. I'm so afraid that I'll never be close to anyone. I'm afraid that I'm just too screwed up to love; but I don't want to change. I like all my little eccentricities, my emotional insanity, insecurity, my sometimes overly intense reactions... everything. But what if no one else ever does? What if no one could love me the way I am? I want to share myself - every aspect of myself - with someone, but what if no one ever understands?

I wish I could pick myself up. I wish I knew how to work through all this shit, to make a life for myself. To love myself and have that be enough.